2 posts tagged “me”
There isn't a question in anyones mind as to whether or not I suffered permanent brain damage during this time. I'm convinced that more than half of the problems I deal with on a daily basis today are a direct result from taking Luvox (for those with a short attention span, Luvox was the same drug Eric Harris was prescribed).
A lot people are often surprised to find out that I have lot of sympathy for Eric Harris. That I do no place any blame on him whatsoever. He is often vilified as this deranged teenager who was out to hurt anyone he could. He killed himself and thirteen others in April. A year later, I was on more than twice the present highest recommended dosage in Europe (Luvox isn't sold in the US anymore), still 50mg under the dosage Eric was taking.
Because it's easier, I often claim I have no memory from that period in my life. I will often say I only have seconds long strands of disembodied memory. Today is the first day that I admit to anyone at all that that is a lie. I remember everything. And there is a deep sense of shame that I carry strapped to my back due to the things that happened then.
Luvox not only stole my dignity, my sanity, my ability to function as anything beyond an animal; it stole pieces of my brain. I've seen the holes in my brain, off my current medication and on it as well. The thousands of dollars my family spends a year to correct these gaps is horrifying, and they don't fix everything.
It takes a long time to teach yourself how to do things you've lost. Especially when it comes to cognitive thinking that isn't considered essential. I've kept so many secrets from my family so they wouldn't worry.
One of those secrets is my relationship to music. I haven't been able to think about music beyond the concept of "I like this" and "I don't like this" since I was twelve. In some ways, I guess this is a blessing because I'm a lot more open to music I've never heard before than others are. However, this is incredibly frustrating when you are dating a musician who wants to know what you think, and why. I haven't even been capable of hearing references from one song to another. This ability was robbed of me, and as an artist, it is a terrifying prospect.
The other day, though, I had a breakthrough. My two favorite bands of all time are Cat Stevens and Dufus, an anti-folk collective from Brooklyn. For the first time in almost six years, I heard something that I could think about. I made a connection. Something so small, something so many people take for granted. Such a small bit of wiring folded into a small wrinkle in the brain.
But I reclaimed that part back. I have so much hope right now for life. It's at my feet, and I'm ready to conquer.
So once upon a time, a long time ago, search result real estate for my name were dominated by me and things about me. Typing Wren Roberts into Google would always reveal websites that were mine, and only mine.
Until a few years ago. It started slowly. An IMDB slowly worked its way up for Wren Roberts (more frequently known and credited as Wren Robertz), a stunt actor who appeared in single episodes of television shows. This was okay. I didn't mind sharing my prime estate with another Wren Roberts, however bizarre it was that there would be TWO people in the world with my name. I was a little annoyed that this doppleganger was also in the entertainment industry. When I deserve my own IMDB profile, I will forever be listed as Wren Roberts (II). That sucks.
But then in 2003, Robertz started showing up in episodes of "Dead Like Me." Suddenly television catalogue sites and places like Rotten Tomatoes were spawning empty pages for this guy. My prime real estate was finished. A nightmare of all nightmares for people who want to be found on search engines, people who need that edge to help build their career someday.
So along came ClaimID and Naymz and the battle was on. I became determined to reclaim my old result rankings about two weeks ago when I first heard of Naymz through Mashable. I suddenly had a way to become more visible in the online world.
And today I must say I am pleased with the results (on Google anyway). Nine days with Naymz and about five with ClaimID, the search results for the two Wren Robertses are now pretty evenly matched. My Flickr account is #2, my ClaimID is #5.5, and my Standpedia and 30boxes accounts hang down at the bottom of the first page. I've even had a lovely little sponsered link (for free!) from Naymz. The funny thing is, about four days after my Naymz sponsered link showed up, one from Moviefone did too for Mr. Robertz. W. T. F?
